Understanding your behaviour

Sometimes the way we act is shaped by things we don’t even notice, like how we were brought up, how our mates behave, society’s expectations of how men are supposed to be, or the ways we deal with stress, frustration or insecurity. These influences can creep in quietly and affect how we react without us realising.

None of this excuses harmful behaviour, but it can help you understand where your reactions come from, and what you might want to change.

It can feel easier to ignore these things rather than look at how they affect the people around you. But if part of you is starting to question your own behaviour or you’ve wondered things like “Am I being controlling?” or “Why do I react like this?”, looking at what might be influencing you can help things make more sense.

Here are some of the things that might be shaping your behaviour. 

Social conditioning

A lot of our behaviour starts with what we’ve grown up around – things we heard at home, jokes people made, the films we watched, the music we listened to and the way those around us talk about relationships and sex.  

Online spaces can shape us too. Algorithms often push the same types of content repeatedly, which can make certain attitudes feel more common or acceptable than they really are. It’s easy to get pulled into videos, chats or forums that normalise disrespect, anger or blaming women, sometimes without noticing how much it’s influencing the way you think.

None of this means you set out to cause any harm. It just means some messages stick more than we realise. Noticing where your ideas came from can help you spot beliefs or habits that don’t reflect who you are. When you understand where something came from, it’s easier to challenge it and choose something better. 

Peer pressure

The people around us matter more than we think. Group chats, night out banter, mates egging each other on – it all sets the tone for what seems ‘normal’. When everyone else is laughing or joining in, it’s easy to go along with things just to fit in, even if something feels off. And sometimes there’s pressure to ‘act like one of the lads’, be tougher or prove yourself in ways that don’t really reflect who you are.

That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means the people around you have influence. But it’s important to look at how your behaviour makes others feel, especially those outside your friendship groups – do they look uncomfortable, annoyed or scared?  

Noticing when you’re acting for the crowd rather than yourself can help you step back and decide whether it’s how you want to behave.

Emotions

How we feel inside affects how we treat people on the outside. Stress, anger, jealousy, insecurity and loneliness can all make reactions sharper, heavier or harder to control. Past experiences can shape this too, especially if you’ve been treated badly or grown up around people who reacted in the same way.

Emotions don’t excuse harmful behaviour but recognising how you’re feeling and why can help you control your words or actions before they spill over. You might realise certain situations set you off, or that you use jokes, sarcasm or put-downs when you’re feeling low or overwhelmed.

The more you understand your emotions and where they come from, the easier it is to change how you react.