Controlling or coercive behaviour
Controlling or coercive behaviour
You think your friend is being controlled by her new boyfriend…
It’s Saturday night. You’re at a house party.
You spot your friend in the corner. She’s with her new boyfriend who’s holding her hand… tightly.
She’s changed since she started dating him. She’s quieter and is always putting herself down. She hardly comes out anymore, and last week she mentioned that her boyfriend had taken her bank card because “he is more responsible”.
You decide to head over to see her.
As you get closer, you overhear him. He’s laughing at her, saying no one even wants her here and she’d better not embarrass him.
Think this is abuse?
Select an answer
Yes This could be emotional, psychological, and economic abuse, part of controlling or coercive behaviour. This is a form of domestic abuse and is a criminal offence. It can have a lasting impact on the victim.
Wrong This could be emotional, psychological, and economic abuse, part of controlling or coercive behaviour. This is a form of domestic abuse and a criminal offence. It can have a lasting impact on the victim.
Say something
Interrupting their conversation by asking ‘How have they been?’ might help disrupt the abusive behaviour and stop the comments currently. However, getting involved directly could put your friend at risk. Instead of changing how he treats her, her boyfriend may just be more careful to make sure no-one else sees him being abusive to her. He may also try to keep her away from you, leaving her more isolated.
In this situation, there might be better ways to step in safely that will help your friend for the longer term.
Tell someone
Express your concerns with other friends you both share. When she’s alone, work together with them to encourage her to get support, and let her know you’re all there for her. You can also get advice from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline website on how best to help. If you think she’s in immediate danger, you should call the police yourself.
Offer support
Let your friend know that you’re there for her if she needs your help. If she says she doesn’t want or need your help, don’t judge her – just let her know you’re there for her whenever she needs you.
What would you do to help?
Choose one option
You could…
Here’s another way to step in safely.
Here’s another way to step in safely.
Explore more scenarios?
Have these scenarios made you think?
If you can think of a situation when your behaviour - whether deliberate or not - has upset, embarrassed, hurt, controlled or coerced someone, be honest with yourself. It’s the first step to making a change for the better.